I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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