I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
