So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
