I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
