Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
