did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The dick lei will go down in squad history
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
