You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
