i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
