Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
