i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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