Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
