He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
