You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
