ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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