Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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