Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
