Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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