I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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