remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
