gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Randomize
