He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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