I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
not ubering you a puppy
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
