people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
