i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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