so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Is it penis luge time yet?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
