It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
