Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
