i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
