Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
