You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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