I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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