i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
