Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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