i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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