8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
