Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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