remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
this hospital has no fireball
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
