I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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