I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Randomize
