I accidentally burped into my bong.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Randomize
