I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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