I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
