i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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