Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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