Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
