after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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