In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
