Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
