Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
