so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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