Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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