it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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