Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
