just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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