Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
