So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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