Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
